soulmate

recently while listening to my ipod on shuffle, a song came on that i hadn't heard in a while. it was a song i downloaded when i was in 8th grade, and i claimed it to me my life's lament. that song was Soul Mate by natasha bedingfield. the main jist of the song goes something along the lines of, "who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told...somebody tell me why i'm on my own, if there's a soul mate for everyone..." something like that. at the time i felt like i was the only one of my friends who didn't have a boyfriend or who wasn't making out behind the dumpsters at lunch. middle school is a depressing time for an awkward chubbers like myself, and high school isn't much better! i mean i can say that i've blossomed a bit and i definitely know a lot more about myself and those around me, but i still haven't had the greatest luck with guys, and the one relationship i was in ended in sadness, insecurity and desperation.

But something struck me as i listened to the sappy little complaint song that i lived by in 8th grade: we are conditioned to believe that the purpose in life is to find your one-and-only and revolve your whole life around that person. but in my case, the fact that i haven't had great luck with guys is just another testament to me that my life is destined for so much more than focusing on getting married as soon as possible. what if i did dwell on the fact that i didn't have a boyfriend and was consumed in the pursuit? my focus would be totally off and i would probably end up settling for something less than what i'm capable of having, just to accomplish the one goal of being able to say that somebody wants and loves me.

I have friends who are counting down the days until they're 18 like, "ohhh my gosh, 10 more months till i'm 18...then i can get married!!!!!" as if 18 was the magical age that allowed that freedom or sudden maturation. the thought of getting married in 11 months freaks me out, and i've had nightmares about it. i believe that i'm relatively mature, but in my mind i'm still a kid who has a lottttt of growing/learning/LIVING to do before i give myself up to become a wife and before i feel ready to teach/raise OTHER human beings, other than myself. e.g--. children. gahhh scary. and to think my friends are anticipating it, wow FREAKS me out.

But then again, i believe that is the beauty in it all: we are all here for different purposes. as for my friends, i almost feel a jealousy that they know for a fact that that is what they are meant to do, getting married young. but for me, i just know that that's not it.

Don't get me wrong though, i toooootally know i'm going to get married and that is one of my life goals. and another thought i've had is that marriage is one of the most sacred ordainances given to us by God, and I look around me and i often feel like marriage proposals are equivalent to prom dates. you get asked in a clever, cheesy way by a guy you're sorta close with, make some quick plans, and then it happens. but for me, i hope when the time comes for me, that i will know the guy verrrrry well. all his strenths, weaknesses, attributes, vices, etc... heck, i'm going to be spending eternity with him!

well i don't know what prompted this random post....i guess it's just consumed my thoughts a lot lately, or moreso it's been coupled with my thoughts about..............
COLLEGE!:) go sun devils:) ha just kidding!!!!!..maybe