Endure to the End

They say junior year is your hardest year.......oh boy are they right. I really hope and pray that next year is not as stressful as this year has been. Don't get me wrong, I did make a crazy transition from sophomore year, having no honors classes- to junior year, taking on almost all honors classes, so I brought most of the stress upon myself. But I believe that a lot of this stress is due to having to worry about college.

I just took the SAT yesterday, and boy was it tedious. Yes, tedious is a good word. Not difficult or impossible, but long, exhausting, brain-frying, and tedious. And how do I think I did? ehh i don't know, to be honest. Toward the end, after sitting in a chair for 4 hours with one hour to go, something in my brain kept whispering, "haylee. it doesn't matter what 'the speaker of this passage feels concerning the profound effect of cave art on mankind.' YOU DON'T NEED TO CARE!!" and i decided to just leave a lot of questions blank, instead of guessing and for sure getting points knocked off for wrong answers--which were basically unavoidable because of the handicapped state of my brain at that point.

So the SAT is done, the AP lit. test is done (wow, i don't even want to begin to discuss THAT one....my brain will probably go into a panic attack if i do)... now i just have to worry about the 3 major projects that are all due next week that I am way behind on. Oh wait, you want to know what they are, do you?

Well one, is a project in chemistry where I have to present to my class research I performed on the chemistry of cosmetics. soooo exciting, i know. secondly, I have to give a 55 minute presentation (yes there are supposed to be two 5's) to my english class about my approach to a novel, including research on what other people thought on it as well (so i basically have to talk about a book about a book for an hour). And even better-the book I read is about a mother who breastfeeds her son until the age of 14, (yes the 1 is supposed to be there). And the last wonderful project is a 10 page research/opinion paper on whether I think America is an exceptional country or not. And this lovely thing is counting as my final exam, so it will comprise 20% of my grade in my history class. oh and of course, there's regular final exams to worry about as well.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. breeeeeeeeeeathe. two and a half weeks left.

who's glad they're not me?

soulmate

recently while listening to my ipod on shuffle, a song came on that i hadn't heard in a while. it was a song i downloaded when i was in 8th grade, and i claimed it to me my life's lament. that song was Soul Mate by natasha bedingfield. the main jist of the song goes something along the lines of, "who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told...somebody tell me why i'm on my own, if there's a soul mate for everyone..." something like that. at the time i felt like i was the only one of my friends who didn't have a boyfriend or who wasn't making out behind the dumpsters at lunch. middle school is a depressing time for an awkward chubbers like myself, and high school isn't much better! i mean i can say that i've blossomed a bit and i definitely know a lot more about myself and those around me, but i still haven't had the greatest luck with guys, and the one relationship i was in ended in sadness, insecurity and desperation.

But something struck me as i listened to the sappy little complaint song that i lived by in 8th grade: we are conditioned to believe that the purpose in life is to find your one-and-only and revolve your whole life around that person. but in my case, the fact that i haven't had great luck with guys is just another testament to me that my life is destined for so much more than focusing on getting married as soon as possible. what if i did dwell on the fact that i didn't have a boyfriend and was consumed in the pursuit? my focus would be totally off and i would probably end up settling for something less than what i'm capable of having, just to accomplish the one goal of being able to say that somebody wants and loves me.

I have friends who are counting down the days until they're 18 like, "ohhh my gosh, 10 more months till i'm 18...then i can get married!!!!!" as if 18 was the magical age that allowed that freedom or sudden maturation. the thought of getting married in 11 months freaks me out, and i've had nightmares about it. i believe that i'm relatively mature, but in my mind i'm still a kid who has a lottttt of growing/learning/LIVING to do before i give myself up to become a wife and before i feel ready to teach/raise OTHER human beings, other than myself. e.g--. children. gahhh scary. and to think my friends are anticipating it, wow FREAKS me out.

But then again, i believe that is the beauty in it all: we are all here for different purposes. as for my friends, i almost feel a jealousy that they know for a fact that that is what they are meant to do, getting married young. but for me, i just know that that's not it.

Don't get me wrong though, i toooootally know i'm going to get married and that is one of my life goals. and another thought i've had is that marriage is one of the most sacred ordainances given to us by God, and I look around me and i often feel like marriage proposals are equivalent to prom dates. you get asked in a clever, cheesy way by a guy you're sorta close with, make some quick plans, and then it happens. but for me, i hope when the time comes for me, that i will know the guy verrrrry well. all his strenths, weaknesses, attributes, vices, etc... heck, i'm going to be spending eternity with him!

well i don't know what prompted this random post....i guess it's just consumed my thoughts a lot lately, or moreso it's been coupled with my thoughts about..............
COLLEGE!:) go sun devils:) ha just kidding!!!!!..maybe