The Awkward Just-graduated-high-school-but-haven't-started-college-yet Phase

Wow, I haven't blogged in quite some time, therefore this new Blogger format looks slightly confusing. It looks like Blogger's trying to become more like Tumblr or any of those other hipster social networking sites that I know nothing about. Oh well...I sit here on the computer (like I've been doing a lot as a person fallen victim to the awkward just-graduated-high-school-but-haven't-started-college-yet phase) and I feel like I have nothing to do, yet so much to do.

I've felt rather strange the past couple weeks, knowing that I'm done with high school. But I would say it's 99% relief, maybe 1% thinking that I'm going to miss it. High school was a very shaping and adventurous time for me, but I'm so glad that I will never have to deal with the drama, immaturity, ignorance, busy work, and stress that comes with high school. Now I know that in life, you'll never avoid such annoyances completely, but being in one place for four years, you just get sick of it. Sick of the people, teachers, staff (even if such people were really great - which, at my school, I did get to know some really awesome people). I just am ready for a change. A new adventure.

When I weigh in my mind which is better... Being overwhelmed with school, homework, performances, college planning, etc, during the school year, or having nothing to do during the summer and the feeling of having no purpose, I begin to wonder what life really means. During the school year I would constantly remind myself, "Just hold out until summer. Endure to the end. You won't have a care in the world and everything will be great and stress-free." And now that summer's here, I tell myself, "Wait until August. Then you'll finally be able to get into the productive swing of things." After reflecting on this nonsense, I've realized that I can choose to be happy during the busy times by being grateful that I have so many opportunities, and I can also be happy during the boring times by choosing to enjoy the relaxation. I don't always have to be miserable and complaining :)

So far my summer has consisted of browsing (for hours probably) on Pinterst, teaching a piano lesson here and there, laying out in the pool while trying to convince myself it is ok to maybe look like a Dorito), and stressing about college enrollment yet doing nothing about it. Okay, maybe that's a lie... I have called, emailed, asked questions, tried to get the financial situation smoothed over. But it's rather difficult when nobody is helpful! For those of you who don't know my college plans, I'm going up to NAU in August as a music major. And frankly, NAU has been terrible so far about answering questions, clearing confusion, etc. But hopefully when I go to New Student Orientation next week, all my questions will be answered, confusion will be ironed out, and stress will be relieved...that is, until the first day that classes start in August. :)

In the meantime, I desperately need to come up with some structured schedule for the rest of the summer. Let's face it. Going to bed at 1 a.m every night, waking up at 11 every morning, eating crap food all day long, sitting on my butt wallowing in my satisfaction that I no longer have any obligation to anyone in that hell-hole called Queen Creek High School all make me feel like garbage, crap, poop, any other word you'd like to call it. I need to...Get active. Start eating better. Function off to-do lists again (can't deny it--they help me be my best), even if the tasks I have "to do" are self explanitory, like "take a shower....call NAU about x, y, z." I NEED STRUCTURE!

So when I'm in my first year of college and crumbling under stress, I should come back to this post and remind myself how I crumble when I have no stress, too! Ahhhh life.

While I'm thinking about it, I think I'll share some great Pins that I've come upon that have motivated me to get off my booty. Maybe after that, I'll share some other pins of scrumptious looking desserts!

Oh yeaaaah...I'm going to Newport Beach in T-minus 22 days. Hmm...22 days. Let's see what I can do, ehh? :)

Philosophical Thoughts From a Sleep Deprived Student

It is 1:30 a.m. A school night. And I am awake.

Considering the fact that tomorrow, I am obligated to wake up MORE than 8 minutes before I have to leave because I have to dress up to speak in Seminary conference, I know I must continue to sit here at the computer and waste time. How does that make sense, you may ask? Well, I find that when I get a full 6-8 hours of sleep, it is so painfully difficult to drag myself out of bed into the unholy hours of the morning. But when I go to sleep at even more unholy hours (like 2 or 3 am), I shoot straight out of bed a couple hours later and feel ready to tackle the day. Anyone else experience this strangeness? So, knowing that I shouldn't go to bed yet for my own benefit at wakey-wake time, I've decided I must sit here and blog. About what? Great question! Well, I just finished preparing my talk for Seminary conference. I chose to speak on President Eyering's talk because I feel the messages therein are so important for myself and all youth to always remember throughout the often difficult trials of life. However, I also deeply considered speaking on President Uchtdorf's talk entitled The Merciful Obtain Mercy. If you didn't already hear the talk, or you choose not to read the whole thing, at least read this:

That is all now for now, folks.

Oh and P.S. please remember one last thing:

"Be kind. For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

P.P.S. Any prayers on my behalf that I will be able to wake up tomorrow morning BEFORE 5:57am (I walk out the door at 6:10) would be greatly appreciated:)

Time Flies...Upcoming Changes...The Trek

I've basically forgotten that I even have a blog and looking back on my posts, it's startling to know that my last post was nearly a year ago. It's almost April of my senior year, and boy does time fly. I'll soon be turning 18...the age I always dreamed of but never imagined I would reach. As I sit here in my quiet house in our dark office, procrastinating going to sleep, I can't imagine a better time to reflect on my life thus far and my life to come in the very near future, and how stark the contrast of the two will be. I'll be going up to NAU in August to study choral music education and I couldn't be more thrilled for the change.

No feeling other than total gratitude floods my heart as I think of all that I've been blessed with recently. I have had numerous opportunities to perform and share my passion for music with many people in different areas of church and school. I've taken seriously my efforts in singing and successfully auditioned and been admitted to the music programs at U of A, NAU, and ASU. I was 3rd chair alto in my regional choir and more shockingly 1st chair alto in the Allstate choir. I am so glad to know that all of my recent joy has stemmed from music and the talents that God has blessed me with and I couldn't be more excited to start studying music in-depth in college.

Today was my final day of a great two-week long spring break and surprisingly, I spent the day sleeping and trying to recover from the pioneer trek I participated in on Wednesday through Friday. For those who don't know what a pioneer trek is, we basically don pioneer clothing, push hand carts through rugged terrain for many miles a day, and experience what our pioneer ancestors went through by leaving the world and living as they did for a few days.

I had many reasons not to go on this trek: I am almost 18 (completed with the Church's youth program); most of my friends are 18 and wouldn't be going; I had already been on a trek when I was 14; I was going to be on a special girl time during the days of the trek; I still had things to take care of with college enrollment & housing; I could have been home doing school work, teaching piano, making money, applying for scholarships, etc....I mean, the list goes on and on. And honestly, I couldn't think of one reason TO go. But I strongly felt that I needed to go and so last minute, I headed to Goodwill on Tuesday night to figure out what the heck I would wear on this thing and quickly prepared for what would be the hardest few days ahead of me. I will spare my readers (if I even have any?) the lengthy details of what went on during the trek but what I will do is express my gratitude towards my Heavenly Father for giving me the extra push to go. The trek and the experiences I had on it changed my life and gave me the sealing witness that the gospel is true before I soon go out on my own where I won't have my family or community to encourage me to live the gospel. And between you and me, during the time when I was planning on not going, I felt sort of guilty to Heavenly Father for receiving an outpouring of blessings and yet being so self centered that I couldn't sacrifice 3 days to receive spiritual upliftment. But with a set of swollen black-girl lips and a tomato face later, I sit here in gratitude for the blisters, sunburns, and sore muscles I received, because "in extremes, we draw closer to God."

Well folks, that will be all for now. I genuinely want to be better at posting on here, mainly for selfish reasons since blogging is a good way to journal. But knowing myself, senioritis will get in the way of doing anything productive over the next couple months, and the next time you'll hear from me may be when I'm up at NAU...who knows? So for now, Goodnight!
-Haylee

Endure to the End

They say junior year is your hardest year.......oh boy are they right. I really hope and pray that next year is not as stressful as this year has been. Don't get me wrong, I did make a crazy transition from sophomore year, having no honors classes- to junior year, taking on almost all honors classes, so I brought most of the stress upon myself. But I believe that a lot of this stress is due to having to worry about college.

I just took the SAT yesterday, and boy was it tedious. Yes, tedious is a good word. Not difficult or impossible, but long, exhausting, brain-frying, and tedious. And how do I think I did? ehh i don't know, to be honest. Toward the end, after sitting in a chair for 4 hours with one hour to go, something in my brain kept whispering, "haylee. it doesn't matter what 'the speaker of this passage feels concerning the profound effect of cave art on mankind.' YOU DON'T NEED TO CARE!!" and i decided to just leave a lot of questions blank, instead of guessing and for sure getting points knocked off for wrong answers--which were basically unavoidable because of the handicapped state of my brain at that point.

So the SAT is done, the AP lit. test is done (wow, i don't even want to begin to discuss THAT one....my brain will probably go into a panic attack if i do)... now i just have to worry about the 3 major projects that are all due next week that I am way behind on. Oh wait, you want to know what they are, do you?

Well one, is a project in chemistry where I have to present to my class research I performed on the chemistry of cosmetics. soooo exciting, i know. secondly, I have to give a 55 minute presentation (yes there are supposed to be two 5's) to my english class about my approach to a novel, including research on what other people thought on it as well (so i basically have to talk about a book about a book for an hour). And even better-the book I read is about a mother who breastfeeds her son until the age of 14, (yes the 1 is supposed to be there). And the last wonderful project is a 10 page research/opinion paper on whether I think America is an exceptional country or not. And this lovely thing is counting as my final exam, so it will comprise 20% of my grade in my history class. oh and of course, there's regular final exams to worry about as well.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. breeeeeeeeeeathe. two and a half weeks left.

who's glad they're not me?

soulmate

recently while listening to my ipod on shuffle, a song came on that i hadn't heard in a while. it was a song i downloaded when i was in 8th grade, and i claimed it to me my life's lament. that song was Soul Mate by natasha bedingfield. the main jist of the song goes something along the lines of, "who doesn't long for someone to hold who knows how to love you without being told...somebody tell me why i'm on my own, if there's a soul mate for everyone..." something like that. at the time i felt like i was the only one of my friends who didn't have a boyfriend or who wasn't making out behind the dumpsters at lunch. middle school is a depressing time for an awkward chubbers like myself, and high school isn't much better! i mean i can say that i've blossomed a bit and i definitely know a lot more about myself and those around me, but i still haven't had the greatest luck with guys, and the one relationship i was in ended in sadness, insecurity and desperation.

But something struck me as i listened to the sappy little complaint song that i lived by in 8th grade: we are conditioned to believe that the purpose in life is to find your one-and-only and revolve your whole life around that person. but in my case, the fact that i haven't had great luck with guys is just another testament to me that my life is destined for so much more than focusing on getting married as soon as possible. what if i did dwell on the fact that i didn't have a boyfriend and was consumed in the pursuit? my focus would be totally off and i would probably end up settling for something less than what i'm capable of having, just to accomplish the one goal of being able to say that somebody wants and loves me.

I have friends who are counting down the days until they're 18 like, "ohhh my gosh, 10 more months till i'm 18...then i can get married!!!!!" as if 18 was the magical age that allowed that freedom or sudden maturation. the thought of getting married in 11 months freaks me out, and i've had nightmares about it. i believe that i'm relatively mature, but in my mind i'm still a kid who has a lottttt of growing/learning/LIVING to do before i give myself up to become a wife and before i feel ready to teach/raise OTHER human beings, other than myself. e.g--. children. gahhh scary. and to think my friends are anticipating it, wow FREAKS me out.

But then again, i believe that is the beauty in it all: we are all here for different purposes. as for my friends, i almost feel a jealousy that they know for a fact that that is what they are meant to do, getting married young. but for me, i just know that that's not it.

Don't get me wrong though, i toooootally know i'm going to get married and that is one of my life goals. and another thought i've had is that marriage is one of the most sacred ordainances given to us by God, and I look around me and i often feel like marriage proposals are equivalent to prom dates. you get asked in a clever, cheesy way by a guy you're sorta close with, make some quick plans, and then it happens. but for me, i hope when the time comes for me, that i will know the guy verrrrry well. all his strenths, weaknesses, attributes, vices, etc... heck, i'm going to be spending eternity with him!

well i don't know what prompted this random post....i guess it's just consumed my thoughts a lot lately, or moreso it's been coupled with my thoughts about..............
COLLEGE!:) go sun devils:) ha just kidding!!!!!..maybe

Playing Catch-up

The past couple weeks have been insane. I look back on my schedule from past weeks that were so busy, and I just wonder, how the heck did I get through that week?! well 2 weeks ago on monday, i lost 1.8 for a total of 17 pounds. and then a few days ago i wasn't able to go to weight watchers but I figure by now my total is probably between 20 and 25 pounds. It feels so good to be that much lighter! I'm starting to love myself and be proud of myself.

Well, some other exciting news, auditions for the school musical were a few days ago and callbacks were last night, and the show is cast, and I GOT A PART! the show we're doing is called Aida. and there are not that many leads, only 3 female leads and 2 male leads. well, i got one of the female leads:) my part is Nehebka. I'm so excited, and I feel so lucky and blessed to have gotten a part. I can't wait to start rehearsals, I love the cast and it is going to be so fun!

Hope everyone has a fabulous thanksgiving! Some pointers I'll be following for tomorrow when it comes to feasting on that delicious meal......
-Eat breakfast/lunch before your thanksgiving feast! even if it's just a piece of fruit or something little, it will help you show up not feeling totally famined and starving, and will help avoid SUPER overeating. (yes it is thanksgiving, we will all "over-eat", but let's not kill ourselves) :)
-Only pick food items that you are just dying to eat. For me, there are some thanksgiving foods that I always just sort of eat, because you're supposed! foods like turkey and stuffing....but turkey and stuffing I don't really even like very much! so avoid "obligation" foods that you won't even really enjoy.
-Don't get seconds. I used to always think at thanksgiving, "well, i'm just getting seconds because I didn't have room on my plate for everything I wanted the first time around". haha oh this is so bad! if that happens, um HELLO! definitely a sign you need to get smaller portions or not as much food, or if you want to cheat, just stack food on top of the other so you don't technically have to get seconds.:)
-Enjoy yourself, and enjoy your food! ummm hello, on this diet, i think the last time I actually enjoyed what I was eating was....um yeah I honestly can't remember. but I freaking love thanksgiving food! so i am going to enjoy it and just know it's a holiday, and i have a lot to be thankful for, including one delicious splurging meal:)

Speaking of being thankful, today we had an amazing lesson in gratitude in seminary, perfect for thanksgiving time. Some thoughts I'd like to share...

I am 1 in 2,500 people (out of ALL of Heavenly Father's children) who was born in the United States, and born into the gospel. WOW. That right there makes me feel so lucky and blessed. And not even to mention talents, abilities, a supportive family, good friends, and so many other blessings. When I think about that, I can't believe how much I complain and how MISERABLE i make myself whenever I'm ungrateful or want something more or think my life could be so better. It sounds cliche, but let's really count all our blessings this year and instead of thinking what we don't have, let's think of all that we do have and how blessed we are!!

love, haylee

Four Pounds and illegal immigration

Last week, I lost 4 pounds! i was so proud of myself! I really had to crack down after my one-pound let down the week before. Total so far? 15.2. And the best part about all this? people noticing and complimenting me:) BEST. FEELING. EVER. I've gotta make this quick, cuz I've got LOTS of homework to do...but I'll just end on a thought..

This book I'm reading for English, it's called the Tortilla Curtain. It's set in southern california in the early 90's and deals with a lot of issues and themes that our country (especially Arizona) is facing right now, with illegal immigration and what not. I'm only about half way through the book so far, but before I read it, my mind was set in what my dad and other adults had raised me to think (and i love my dad to death and still respect him and his opinions 100%) but, just that all Mexicans are bad criminals and need to get out of here. But reading this book has helped me see the other side of it..the perspective of an illegal couple living without a home and doing anything they can to fulfill the American dream. And there's also the other point of view of a white American couple who shares the same beliefs as the average white person living in Arizona/California who has to deal with these issues. So it's very interesting.

But anyway, I just really love being able to form my own opinion and think about things differently, not just how adults have told me; although i HAVE stuck with most of the ideas that i've been taught growing up:) The Tortilla Curtain, a very thought provoking book. I LOVE books that get you thinking. NOT just that entertain you. I've learned to appreciate the fact that just because a book is harder to read or it may seem slow, it doesn't mean it's not good or boring! It just means that there is so much to think about! Ahh love it. Love reading.....which i better go do:) Have a good week!